i seriously wonder where went wrong.. i really trying hard for everything i do but not once m i able to complete it nicely the way i wan it..

i'm feeling miserable yet i can tell no one.. i dun wan to give ppl the impression tt i'm forever emo.. i dun mean to wan to feel emo.. i'm seriously feeling useless now.. even when planning for friends outing, i'll have to wait other ppl confirm their schedules..

wats wrong wif me..

i really dunnoe whether i wan to be fund accountant ma.. so fan.. if they hire me and i accept the job, i will have to do ot practically everyday and i have to come back to work during PH if the market my clients' funds are in are not having PH.. how how?? or shld i jus contact nicole straight and ask if she need anymore manpower?? how how how..

wat kind of bank job can i do tt no need do ot and no need to come back during PH plus the salary is above $3k.. haiz..

so fan now.. my first paper will start nxt fri but it seems tt i'm not prepared at all.. i jus can't seem to fully concentrate on studying like my sis can.. i jus can't stop fan-ing abt jobs..

wat can i do to stop fan-ing.. tis is really driving me crazy..

jus coz i dun come from a well to do family? jus cos i'm not tt pretty? or izzit jus cos its my fate?

i've been working very hard.. i'm tired and helpless but i can't tell my bf all these cos he comment tt i'm always emo.. he thinks tt i've change.. no longer the gal whose smile is always on her face.. he thinks tt i always get irritated for nth..

i can only cry and ask God for help.. i noe i have a bunch of sisters by my side.. but i seriously dunno how to open my mouth and tell them abt all these things especially during tis exam period..

i planned all my own celebration on mine very own.. my 21st bday n nobody helped me.. so independent sia.. lolx.. the only few suggestions i got was from a gal friend that is supposely ranked after my so call closed friends.. coz of her, i'm able to decide all the details n stuffs.. thx to her.. she really lighten my burden alot!

but everything didn't went smoothly after tt.. i got slow responds from everybody.. i sent my very first invitation afew wks ago, even b4 my another friend did for her celeration but till now, there is still 1 fellow tt didn respond to either all my msges or facebk invitation.. jokes.. i jus to noe sth from another friend.. tt fellow actually replied my another friend's msg n completely ignore my msg.. i laughed when i saw the msg.. even so, i stayed very calm n neutral abt it..

i was surprise today.. esther came to ask me wat flavour of cake i liked to eat.. i suddenly feel very touched.. it was like in tis kind of situation my church is currently in, i thought nobody in church wldn rmb my bday.. but i was wrong.. they rmb.. tt really light up my day.. my elder sis is another swt fellow.. she helped me in my planning for my celebration wif my family.. she is also the first 1 to ask me wat cake i wanna for my bday.. like finally.. somebody asked me abt cake.. i noe very clearly tt i wldn be having a cake for the celebration wif my poly friends but.. dunno how shld i put tt feeling in words..

i truely wonder is it a norm for ppl to plan their own 21st celebration all by themselves.. but no matter wat, i still agree wif wat jiaen told me in her msg.. its a secret shared by we 2.. lolx..

feeling rather frustrated and moody todae.. i guess its cos for tis few wks i've been at home, teaching tuition and of cos going for exam onli.. kind of didn allow myself to go out to shop and play.. i was worried for my exams.. i'm really afraid.. i tink other then tokin my family members, God was the nxt tt i 'tok' to de most.. he gave me peace and strength during tis period of time.. if not i guess i wld have gone into depression.. lolx.. jus jkin.. depression is abit too serious.. lolx..

And of cos, Dear gave me alot of support and encouragement also.. lolx.. although i keep 'shooting' watever he said.. lolx.. Dear promise to pei me go shopping, play n eat all i wan after my exams.. wahaha.. i will rmb de.. wahaha..

had my poa n cf paper todae.. super demoralize.. although i noe i tried my best but somehow i'm still very disappointed wif myself.. disappointed tt i didn put in more effort in studying the last few lectures for cf when i had a feeling tt the paper might be concentrating on tt area.. disappointed wif myself for not being able to 'fa hui' my normal ability of doing poa..

i kept telling myself tt i did my best and tt i had commited the papers into God's hand and tt i shld trust in God.. however, i still can't help but to allow a few drops of tears to roll down my cheeks..

i dun wanna repeat any modules.. i onli wanted to get a gd degree to show ppl tt i'm at least gd at sth..

i cried..